Back to the beginning
by Mirandab02
Summary: What would you do if given a second chance? I chance to go back to the beginning and change it all for the better. Would you just let things be? Would you try and change things that you've wanted to since they happened? Or would you take that second chance and walk away from it all? What will Arizona do with her second chance?


Ok guys I don't know how this will turn out but hopefully some of you will like it. I started to watch Greys from season 5 and on and thought how so many things could have not happened with Callie and Arizona or how things would have happened if I was the writer. But I'm not, so this will have to do. My only opinion with season 10 so far is the writers have dug themselves a hole that is going to be hard to get out of. Ever since season 9 about midway its all been un organized it seems. It's like Calzona is the couple who gets thrown around and stomped on again and again. So I'm doing this to save me from going crazy basically. Im A die hard Calzona fan and as long as they are endgame that's all that matters I just hate all the angst.

+ I don't own anything with Greys anatomy! If I did there would be some changes. So hope you guys like it and leave me a review on how I did. Starts off slow, so bear with me.

* * *

Dear Arizona,

You know I used to walk tall. I used to be great at being me. I was a badass surgeon who built legs and arms out of nothing. I could repair almost anything. I used to dance in my underwear and be carefree with no worries other than if I would save a life or not. Well, that was until you walked into my life. A year ago I had the perfect life. I had the amazing wife, who I loved and made me a better person. I had the daughter I thought I wouldn't have. I had the best friend who was the father of my child and got along with the woman I love and yet we made it work. I had it all.

You know people say you don't know what you've got till it's gone. Maybe I took things for granted. Maybe I pushed too hard and should have been more understanding. Maybe I should have let you go when I saw the signs but ignored them anyways. You said that night that I didn't lose anything. But that you lost everything. But that's where you're wrong. I lost EVERYTHING and I don't know how to get it back. Or even if I want to get it back. I know some things I would love to have back but others there would be no point. We were living in what you would call a "pretty pink bubble". The plane popped our bubble.

We never really talked about things. We brushed our problems under the rug till it piled so high that we couldn't ignore it, and then we made ultimatums. There was no talking; there was no deciding as a couple. We made the choices and hoped for the outcome to be what we want. Lately my mind has played back all the times we've had together. The first kiss, first fight, first time we made love to the moment that I realized I would never love anyone as much as I loved you. I recall all the times we've spent together in the hallways of the hospital that brought us together.

But then as they say every good thing must come to an end. I don't see happy times anymore. But what I do see is you and her together. Over and over again. I see her touching you and you enjoying it and it makes me sick. I never thought I would be here again. Be where my spouse cheated on me. Then I realize nothing about this is the same as when George cheated. George slept with someone who he cared about. He slept with someone who was worth it to him. You slept with someone who you had only known for a couple of days and looked at you differently.

I'm not happy anymore. I'm not the person I used to be. I don't love like I used to because I don't expect people to love unconditionally anymore. Instead I expect hurt and betrayal. I expect no good things to come from caring for another.

Sofia is the exception in this case though. She's the light in all this darkness. She's the one who makes it possible for me to get up and face all the looks and stares and makes them not matter as long as I have her.

Sometimes I wonder what the point of this is anymore. What's the point of caring if in the end you set up for disappointment? Over the weeks and months I've come to understand things a lot more though. I've come to realize that maybe it's all part of the great plan you know. Like maybe we go through all the hurt and anger and pain for that happiness at the end.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I'd never pursued you after you turned me down that first time. Would we still be in this place? Would we still be falling apart while the world moves on? Would we live our lives out a different way or were we destined to go through this just to fall apart in the end?

This letter wasn't meant to hurt you or be little what we have or what has happened. It's merely a way of telling you how I feel without starting a fight. It may seem childish. But it's the only way I know how. I can't look at you anymore and not see her. I can't stop the anger that boils up every time I think about it. Lately though that anger has turned into sadness and hurt. When you get to work today you'll be having a meeting with the board and there will be an announcement informing my absence. I thought you deserve to know ahead of the others that I have resigned my place as part of the board. My share will be donated to Miranda Bailey. Because you and me both know she would be great at it. I need to take time away from that place. Lately I haven't had that feeling that makes me want to be a surgeon anymore. I don't get that rush. I dread going to work and walking those halls every day. You can still see Sofia anytime you want. It's just me that needs time away from it all. I need to find that part of me that has gotten lost over the year and make me, me again.

I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for breaking a promise that meant so much to you. I get it now. It wasn't just about the leg. It was about you and I should have never acted like it wasn't. I never thought I would be here you know? I thought we would be the ones to make it. But I can't trust you. I don't know if I ever will be able to again.

Callie-

I put the paper down and just stare straight ahead into nothing. My heart is pounding in my chest as if it's trying to jump out and go where it really belongs. How can one paper cause so much pain? Callie hasn't been this open in a long time. I guess that's my fault though. This letter just makes things more clear.

I've tried to put on a brave face and act like I did no wrong and walk on tall. But when I'm all alone is when it hits me. I went from having a family to getting to see my daughter every other two days and having a wife that can't stand to look at me.

I wonder if Callie ever regrets meeting me. I'm sure she's thought about life without me. I mean I've caused her so much pain over the years and yeah she's hurt me to but If I'm the one always begging for another chance then what does that say about what I'm doing? Would my choices be different if I knew then what I know now? Would I still take the chance and go after the woman who spiked my curiosity when I first moved to Seattle? Would I have Sofia? Would Mark and Lexie be alive? Would I still only have one leg and no wife?

I would do so many things over. I would be the good man in a storm like my father raised me to be. I would be the wife and mother that Sofia and Callie deserve. Oh how I wish I could go back to the beginning.

I walk through my empty hotel room picking up some of Sofia's toys as I turn off the lights and TV. I'd never been so sad living in a place by myself. I sit on my bed and take off my prosthetic and while I massage it I wonder all the possibilities of having a second chance. As I lay down my mind is racing and finally I close my eyes and try to get some sleep before facing tomorrow. Because once every storm runs out of rain, all you have is the aftermath and it's just begun.

* * *

So how did I do? Anyone hate it? Love it?


End file.
